Scarification

I'm majoring in landscape management so plants have begun to consume my life. At school, I'm surrounded by plants or I'm talking about plants or I'm thinking about plants. When I go anywhere, I notice the foliage and try to name the species and basically I've become a serious plant nerd. But that's ok because I love those little guys and they've been teaching me a lot of stuff about life. Here's my latest mind dump:

So there's this thing called "scarification". It's the process of "scaring" the seed into coming out of dormancy. Basically, seeds can lie dormant for many years if the conditions aren't right, but sometimes they lie dormant when they could be sprouting. So, you can "scarify" them into sprouting by physically altering their outer shells (using chemicals, pressure, heat, rubbing the outer coat off, etc) and it's not bad for them. 

Sometimes, we have to scarify ourselves. Do you ever feel like you need a jumpstart or something to just make you do that thing (whatever it is)? As I've said on this blog before, all I want to do is grow. I want to improve as a person, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a disciple of Christ, a designer, a writer, an athlete, a human being. I want to be the best I can be. I just want to grow. But sometimes, I let my fears and worries and self-doubting thoughts get in the way of that desire. I think, "Oh, I'm not good enough for that," or "this person is so much better than me," or "he'll never love me," or "I'll try later." All of these thoughts suck! I can never be anyone but myself and I am enough! I just get stuck in my thoughts sometimes. 

Also, once I get past those thoughts, that means I have to make myself vulnerable and that's terrifying. If I'm vulnerable, then that means I could get hurt. But here's the thing: a seed won't grow if it stays safe in the ground. A giant sequoia will never reach its full potential if it stays a little seed. Looking at a mature tree, it seems so solid and secure, but it had to be a little shoot and sapling at some point. It had to be vulnerable.

Brene Brown said it best: "To get to courage, you have to walk through vulnerability." 

So I'm going to share with you an experience that made me feel very vulnerable and scared and sad, but also brave and liberated and powerful and I scarified myself out of my little seed coat underground. Here it is:

I have had a crush on one of my friends the entire time I've known him. That's nine months, people. For nine months, I've wrestled with this feeling; I've tried to get over it, I've tried to make something happen, I've tried to wait patiently. I've tried everything but actually telling him that I liked him. Silly right? Why didn't I say something? Well the thing is, I loved our friendship and being around him so much that I was afraid that telling him would jeopardize that. I also got the hint that he didn't feel the same way about me, so what was the point? But the feelings just wouldn't go away. I tried to tell him so many times, but I always chickened out. I was a little seed, stuck in in my own shell and I just couldn't get myself to break free.

So one day we hung out and he told me that he would be going away for a while and he probably wouldn't be back in the near future. That killed me. I hadn't known that I was going to lose his presence so abruptly. I hadn't realized that, on that day, I was going to say goodbye to this person who occupied my thoughts and took up a giant place in my heart. Of course, I knew it wasn't going to be forever and it wasn't as dramatic as I'm making it sound, but it felt that way to me. We hugged goodbye and I drove away feeling very empty and conflicted.

The next five minutes were my turning point. The tip of the iceberg. The last straw. Why hadn't I said anything yet? For Pete's sake Linds, it's been 9 months! That's the equivalent of a freaking full term pregnancy! He was going away and I didn't know when I'd see him again and I'd still be holding onto these terrible emotions that were eating me away inside. I knew I couldn't take it any longer. I felt like Squints right before he jumps into the deep end so Wendy Peffercorn will save him. 

Red and yellow lights blurring my vision, I turned the car around. It was like a movie, people. I'm a movie star. I couldn't believe my own hands were betraying me and my feet were going along with it! How dare they! But seriously, I knew I had to do it for my own sanity. I had to let it go and this was the only way I could do it. So I drove back to his apartment and asked him to come outside and I knew the end was near and I basically knew how it was going to go down. But I did it anyway. I had to let go of any possible "what-ifs".

He stood there looking very calm. I think he knew what was coming, too. I asked him if he knew that I liked him. Yeah, he pretty much knew. I said ok. He said a bunch of nice things about me and I couldn't process any of it and I wasn't in the proper emotional or mental state to talk. Besides, was there really anything left to say? I love him, he doesn't feel the same. The end. So I said goodbye and I drove away feeling verklempt. I was so sad, so embarrassed, but so. liberated. I had done the thing that terrified me most and I lived to tell the tale. I scarified myself, guys.

I'd like this to be a happy story and I would've loved it if it had ended differently, but life isn't like that. It's messy and difficult and sometimes you never leave the friend zone. No matter how much we wish it were, it's not a Disney Channel original movie that ends exactly how we predict. Sometimes all you can do is pat yourself on the back for being brave and move forward. Take the lessons you've learned, say thank you, and just go. 

I've grown. I'm glad that I finally allowed myself to grow. I hope that everyone does the thing they're scared of because, yes, it'll scare the hell out of you, but you'll survive. You'll be vulnerable, but you'll keep growing, just like a plant. One day, you'll be a giant tree and people will come to you and ask you how you did it. "How did you grow so tall and strong?" they'll ask. And you'll tell them how you made yourself vulnerable and that made all the difference.