Improvement

I am a stressed out individual. I try to act like I'm chill and collected, but underneath that facade is a seriously nervous, high strung, anxious person. I guess I shouldn't label myself as that, because I'm not that way in the summer when I don't have school, but the added pressure of school and homework and my future just raises my stress level. A lot.

This week, like it probably was for so many other BYU students, was so stressful. I'm taking Accounting 200 and it's the worst (at least it is for me). With most classes I've taken in the past, I can get a handle on it pretty quickly and understand the content without to much trouble. That's not the case with accounting, though. I completely bombed the last test. Like, we're talking a 35%. It was terrible. But I was determined to not do that on this week's test so I spent hours in the library, making sure I understood the main concepts. I took the test this morning and, well, I still got a D, but my score almost doubled from last time! Honestly, I've never been so happy to get a 64%.

I guess that's all we can do. Improve.You're not going to be good at everything in this life and you're not going to like everything either, but that's ok. All you can do is work hard and try to be better, and then appreciate your handwork. Instead of looking into the future and seeing how far you have to go, look back and observe how far you've come. Give yourself a high five (this looks like you're just clapping your hands, but it's cool). Can you believe how much you've progressed and learned since you were a baby? It's kind of amazing. Then, imagine how much you can improve on and on through eternity. Life is so cool and so is the gospel and you just have to take it one little piece at a time.

Guilt

When I was a kid, I had such a guilty conscience about everything. If I did the tiniest thing wrong, I felt terrible about it for days, sometimes weeks or more, and it would eat away at me. I remember one day as an eighth grader, my friends and I ran on some newly planted grass at our church and we might have messed it up a little. I was so upset with myself for doing that and I would try to think of scenarios where I could fix the situation. Nothing worked though and finally I just told my mom and cried about it and I think she became pretty concerned with my guilt-ridden behavior. She sat me down, consoled me, and told me that it was ok. What I had done was not bad at all (I can only imagine what she thought I would say and the surprise and relief she felt when it was all about a bit of muddy grass). She told me that I didn't need to feel bad about it and she helped me see it from a wider perspective.

I remember that moment vividly and laugh at how I thought I was so horrible for running on grass. Since then, I have come to reality and I feel like I might have a more normal level of guilt, but sometimes I still beat myself up about small things I've done. I get so torn up about things and then I tell others about what I feel guilty about and realize that it's nothing. The Atonement also helps me come to terms with my imperfect state of being and right my wrongs. Without it, I think I'd be a total wreck. Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I truly feel cleansed of my sins and my worries and guilt-ridden feelings are washed away.

Jesus Christ is real and so is the Atonement. I believe in it whole-heartedly and I encourage anyone who reads this and suffers from a guilty conscience (whether for good reason or over-active sense of perfectionism) to talk to God, give Him your concerns, and believe that Christ's Atonement covers all.

Don't Be Such A Princess

It irks me when people call me "princess". I feel like it makes me sound prissy or weak, two things that I never want associated with my name. Maybe some people like it or think it's cute, but to me, it's always sounded like a bad thing to be a princess. 

Basically, what I'm realizing this week is that it's important to not be a wimp. If someone asks you to do something, you better not flake out. If you have the chance to help someone out but it requires you to get a little dirty, you should do it anyway. Don't be afraid to try new things or step a little bit outside of your comfort zone. I know that's annoying when people say that, but you won't grow as a person if you're constantly saying "no" or passing up various opportunities. The world can be scary, but it can also be amazing.

If you love princesses and you have a different connotation of them, I'm sorry if I have offended you in any way. I know some people might have a really positive idea of the word and I should be more sensitive, but by-golly, this is my blog and I can say what I like. Anyway, what I mean when I say, "Don't be such a princess," I mean don't be up there sitting in your tower, waiting for the world to come to you. Don't be entitled. And definitely don't expect others to do things for you. You are responsible for your own happiness and growth in this life. 

This was kind of an aggressive post. Sorry, sometimes I just have to get up on my soap box, but I'll get down now. You're all beautiful and I love you and I guess you can be a princess if you really want to! Just be a good princess!

Bravery or Stupidity?

I can't seem to stop thinking about this question: Am I being brave, or am I being stupid? It might seem obvious in some cases, but not so much in others. For example, if you decide to go cliff jumping for the first time, is that bravery? I guess it depends on the circumstances. If, by doing it, you're conquering your fear of heights and you've thought it through and you know that you probably won't die, then maybe it is brave! But if you don't think about your actions and their consequences at all, is it still bravery? Or is it stupidity? Maybe it's both? Maybe bravery requires a little stupidity because the logical mind doesn't like to take risks?

I'm starting to think that bravery doesn't necessarily mean that you have to risk your life, but you do have to risk something. But that brings me back to the whole stupidity thing. It might be stupid to risk it if you're not going to potentially gain something from your actions. For example, if I finally decide to tell my friend that I like him, I'm risking our friendship for something that could be potentially better. But that's the thing: it might not work out and maybe it's stupid to put a good friendship at risk for that. Then again, maybe it's the right thing to do for growth.

This post is really just a lot of thoughts swarming around in my brain that I'm having a hard time organizing. Bravery is such a complex topic and I'm kind of regretting even writing about it because I don't want to simplify it too much. I don't think there's a formula for it, or even a line that can be drawn between bravery and stupidity. It's fuzzy and, when it comes down to it, everyone will probably have their own interpretation or definition, but ultimately, here's what I think: To be brave, you are seeking to risk something for some kind of worthwhile improvement to your life or the lives of others. Now that I've gotten this sort of soft conclusion, I'm going to try to apply it to my life more. If I'm ever having a hard time making a decision, I'll ask myself if it will positively influence myself and/or others. I'm also going to try to listen to my intuition more because if I'm in tune with myself, then I'll probably be able to make better decisions for myself. What's your definition of bravery?

Overthink Much?

If you were to look up the word "overthink" in a dictionary, "Lindsay's brain" would come up in the description. Seriously, I overthink everything: my relationships, things I've said to people, things I've done, every little thing. My supervisor offered me a pop tart at work the other day and I thought about what that meant for a good 15 minutes. Does he think I'm hungry? Does he like me more than the other lifeguards? Do I look like a pop tart type of person? If I don't want it, should I still accept it? Is it rude if I tell him I don't want it? Will that damage our relationship? You get the gist. It doesn't help that all I do at work is sit on the guard stand and stare at people. There's lots of time there for thinking and boy, do I! I think another contributing factor to my overthinking is my introverted personality. If I suddenly get really quiet, I'm probably overthinking. 

I'm trying to snap out of it though because I realized this week just how twisted my thoughts can get. I have this friend who I haven't seen in a couple weeks and my crazy brain led me down this path to the thought that he was annoyed with me or he didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I explained my thoughts to my roommate/best friend and she pointed out to me how dumb that was. I realized that I was wrong, but I still couldn't shake the feeling. So I decided to take action and pretend like we were friends again and, guess what. We're still friends! We hung out and it was like nothing had changed at all and I realized that the only thing that had changed about our friendship was in my head. 

SO. I am going to make a commitment try to catch myself when I start to overthink. If I have a thought like, "Oh, this person doesn't like me because I said this," or "I am the worst because I did that," I'm going to stop myself. I'll take that situation and act like someone did/said that to me and I'll probably realize that it's not such a big deal. Most of the time, we beat ourselves up about things we do that we would never judge someone else for. I'm still working on it though and I'm wondering: Does anyone have any other suggestions for how to combat overthinking? I'd seriously love to hear them!