Scarification

I'm majoring in landscape management so plants have begun to consume my life. At school, I'm surrounded by plants or I'm talking about plants or I'm thinking about plants. When I go anywhere, I notice the foliage and try to name the species and basically I've become a serious plant nerd. But that's ok because I love those little guys and they've been teaching me a lot of stuff about life. Here's my latest mind dump:

So there's this thing called "scarification". It's the process of "scaring" the seed into coming out of dormancy. Basically, seeds can lie dormant for many years if the conditions aren't right, but sometimes they lie dormant when they could be sprouting. So, you can "scarify" them into sprouting by physically altering their outer shells (using chemicals, pressure, heat, rubbing the outer coat off, etc) and it's not bad for them. 

Sometimes, we have to scarify ourselves. Do you ever feel like you need a jumpstart or something to just make you do that thing (whatever it is)? As I've said on this blog before, all I want to do is grow. I want to improve as a person, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a disciple of Christ, a designer, a writer, an athlete, a human being. I want to be the best I can be. I just want to grow. But sometimes, I let my fears and worries and self-doubting thoughts get in the way of that desire. I think, "Oh, I'm not good enough for that," or "this person is so much better than me," or "he'll never love me," or "I'll try later." All of these thoughts suck! I can never be anyone but myself and I am enough! I just get stuck in my thoughts sometimes. 

Also, once I get past those thoughts, that means I have to make myself vulnerable and that's terrifying. If I'm vulnerable, then that means I could get hurt. But here's the thing: a seed won't grow if it stays safe in the ground. A giant sequoia will never reach its full potential if it stays a little seed. Looking at a mature tree, it seems so solid and secure, but it had to be a little shoot and sapling at some point. It had to be vulnerable.

Brene Brown said it best: "To get to courage, you have to walk through vulnerability." 

So I'm going to share with you an experience that made me feel very vulnerable and scared and sad, but also brave and liberated and powerful and I scarified myself out of my little seed coat underground. Here it is:

I have had a crush on one of my friends the entire time I've known him. That's nine months, people. For nine months, I've wrestled with this feeling; I've tried to get over it, I've tried to make something happen, I've tried to wait patiently. I've tried everything but actually telling him that I liked him. Silly right? Why didn't I say something? Well the thing is, I loved our friendship and being around him so much that I was afraid that telling him would jeopardize that. I also got the hint that he didn't feel the same way about me, so what was the point? But the feelings just wouldn't go away. I tried to tell him so many times, but I always chickened out. I was a little seed, stuck in in my own shell and I just couldn't get myself to break free.

So one day we hung out and he told me that he would be going away for a while and he probably wouldn't be back in the near future. That killed me. I hadn't known that I was going to lose his presence so abruptly. I hadn't realized that, on that day, I was going to say goodbye to this person who occupied my thoughts and took up a giant place in my heart. Of course, I knew it wasn't going to be forever and it wasn't as dramatic as I'm making it sound, but it felt that way to me. We hugged goodbye and I drove away feeling very empty and conflicted.

The next five minutes were my turning point. The tip of the iceberg. The last straw. Why hadn't I said anything yet? For Pete's sake Linds, it's been 9 months! That's the equivalent of a freaking full term pregnancy! He was going away and I didn't know when I'd see him again and I'd still be holding onto these terrible emotions that were eating me away inside. I knew I couldn't take it any longer. I felt like Squints right before he jumps into the deep end so Wendy Peffercorn will save him. 

Red and yellow lights blurring my vision, I turned the car around. It was like a movie, people. I'm a movie star. I couldn't believe my own hands were betraying me and my feet were going along with it! How dare they! But seriously, I knew I had to do it for my own sanity. I had to let it go and this was the only way I could do it. So I drove back to his apartment and asked him to come outside and I knew the end was near and I basically knew how it was going to go down. But I did it anyway. I had to let go of any possible "what-ifs".

He stood there looking very calm. I think he knew what was coming, too. I asked him if he knew that I liked him. Yeah, he pretty much knew. I said ok. He said a bunch of nice things about me and I couldn't process any of it and I wasn't in the proper emotional or mental state to talk. Besides, was there really anything left to say? I love him, he doesn't feel the same. The end. So I said goodbye and I drove away feeling verklempt. I was so sad, so embarrassed, but so. liberated. I had done the thing that terrified me most and I lived to tell the tale. I scarified myself, guys.

I'd like this to be a happy story and I would've loved it if it had ended differently, but life isn't like that. It's messy and difficult and sometimes you never leave the friend zone. No matter how much we wish it were, it's not a Disney Channel original movie that ends exactly how we predict. Sometimes all you can do is pat yourself on the back for being brave and move forward. Take the lessons you've learned, say thank you, and just go. 

I've grown. I'm glad that I finally allowed myself to grow. I hope that everyone does the thing they're scared of because, yes, it'll scare the hell out of you, but you'll survive. You'll be vulnerable, but you'll keep growing, just like a plant. One day, you'll be a giant tree and people will come to you and ask you how you did it. "How did you grow so tall and strong?" they'll ask. And you'll tell them how you made yourself vulnerable and that made all the difference.   

Youth

My mom always tells me, "Youth is wasted on the young." I get where she's coming from because she misses her youth and all the great things that came with it. But honestly, I don't feel like I'm wasting my youth. I know one day I'll look back on this time and wish I could have it all back, but I'm really trying to embrace it and love it and just soak it all in. I've never been one to look forward to the future that much anyway because it terrifies me. 

I love those nights where you have no plans so you just grab some buddies and do some stupid stuff. I love waking up every morning feeling hopeful. I love not having wrinkles or gray hair or saggy skin. I love (and hate) not knowing where the heck my life is going. I love this weird stage of life between adolescence and real adulthood. 

That being said, I'm going to make it a goal to embrace every stage of life I enter into. God has seen fit for me to live another day and that is something to celebrate. Life is cool. So is my friend Steve. He can do a backflip (and a quarter of a front flip after that!) Watch this video of hood rat stuff.

Also, I have this favorite blog that I have followed for many years and I think she's a good example of embracing the stages of life you enter. Check it out! http://www.thedaybookblog.com

Remote Meeting

Our group, Mercury Consultants, met remotely using the Google Chat function. I had never used it before, but we got through the meeting pretty seamlessly. All of us felt kind of self-conscious being on screen when the camera would switch to us, so we all decided not to look at the video feed. We had tabs open on our computers for our various notes about the project so we didn't need to look at the video anyway.

The only trouble we had with it was that the sound was very echo-y towards the end of our call. Though it was a little annoying, it didn't hurt our meeting too much. In the future, I think that I will feel more comfortable using video chat/meetings. It was almost a fun experience!

Tiny Adventures

I'm home for the weekend and that  means I got to help decorate the house for Christmas. When I was a kid, I LOVED setting up all the decorations. Still do! So I went out to the shed to get the various boxes and lo and behold: I found my brother's longboard. It sat there and mocked me for being a chicken and never taking it for a spin.

Ok, so I don't board. At all. I was always jealous of people who were good at any type of boarding activity, my brother being one of them, but I was bad at it. I wondered if I only thought I was bad at it, though, because had I ever actually tried it? Not really. When I was a kid, I'd hop on my brother's skateboard and then get scared that I'd lose my balance so I never really gave it a chance. 

So I dusted off that old longboard and started inching down the driveway. Then I took it to the sidewalks and the street, too. I lost my balance. I had to jump off of it a lot to avoid mailboxes. I looked stupid. Yeah, I still kind of sucked, but not as much as I thought I was going to suck. I tried something new and that's cool because trying new things helps you grow and I am all about growth. And you know what? I saw myself improve and learn things about it in less than 15 minutes. 

Anyway, I had a few ulterior motives for riding the longboard for the first time, but one of them was that my accounting class is requiring me to write a paper about my experience going on an adventure/doing something I normally wouldn't do. So I thought about it and realized that adventures don't necessarily have to mean you're going to the mountains or the open sea or something. They can take place in your own driveway, at the dinner table, or in your own head. I think that the act of trying something new is an adventure in itself. Just experiencing things for the first time is so cool and it's adventurous to get a little outside your comfort zone.

There's a Universe Inside of You

You know that inspirational picture of an iceberg that shows the top part that you see above water and then the massive part that you can't usually see underwater? Well, that's a real thing. I remember my life science teacher had it hanging on the wall when I was in seventh grade. If you don't know what I'm talking about, look up "inspirational iceberg picture" in Google and you'll understand. I could post it here, but I'm feeling lazy.

Ok, now you know what I'm talking about because you looked up the picture. Well, people are just like icebergs. The surface that most people see is only a tiny fraction of the entire iceberg. You have no idea how big that iceberg actually is when you see it's little peak floating along in the water. You have no idea how big a person's personality and thoughts and emotions are just by looking at them.

I was driving around town with a friend I hadn't seen in about a month and we were just catching up, and I realized that I didn't know him as well as I thought I did. In those few hours, I kept learning new things about him and realizing quirks about his personality that had never occurred to me before. I couldn't believe how little I actually knew about this person I called a "friend".

I also realized that I am probably an enigma to some people, even my friends and family. They might not realize that I'm an enigma, but I am. I think that of all the thoughts and feelings that go through my head on a daily basis, I express maybe 15% of them to others. I don't realize how little I share because, well, they're my thoughts and feelings and I recognize them silently. But then I start talking about someone or something and I come to the realization that I've kept a lot of those thoughts inside.

People are so complex, it's crazy. There's so much depth in every living soul and that's what gives us so much value. We are God's children so of course we are deep. One of my favorite song lyrics says "there's a universe inside of you" and I need to try to remember that when I'm talking to people. There's so much to know about a person and everyone deserves to feel like they are worth learning about. I'm going to try to express my feelings and emotions a little more, maybe bump it up to 20% or something crazy like that.

Anyway, I'm curious: what percentage of all the thoughts and feelings that run through your head do you think you actually express?

On The Wire

I'm a sucker for a good metaphor. I honestly think you can turn anything into a metaphor for something else if you think long enough.

Well, this week I saw these shoes hanging from a telephone wire, and I love those shoes (Vans Sk8-Hi's).

I was a little tiny bit outraged that someone would throw the best shoes ever over a telephone wire, never to be worn again. But here's my little metaphor for you. Actually wait, this isn't a metaphor, it's more of a life lesson (which is all I ever seem to preach talk about on here). Scratch the beginning of this post, it doesn't have to do with this picture. Or does it? I don't care, you decide.

But ok here is what I actually wanted to say: Maybe the person who threw those shoes over that wire did it because the shoes reminded him of his ex-girlfriend who broke his heart and he never wants to see them again (note: he lives in Salt Lake so he won't be back here anytime soon). Or maybe whoever did it has decided to go against societal norms and never again will wear shoes. Or maybe he is an artist and thought it would be beautiful and profound for only a reason he knows. Or maybe it was a drug dealer indicating that he is selling dope nearby (isn't that what it's supposed to mean?) 

Honestly I have no idea why those beautiful shoes were on the wire. And it made me realize this: we often see what we want to see. I love those shoes so I thought whoever would waste them is a dummy. But we usually don't know someone's full story. We only know our own. If we aren't so quick to judge, we can appreciate the beauty of a person, whatever the situation we're looking at may be. Now that I look at this picture, it looks so melancholy but beautiful at the same time and I love it. If we're not so quick to judge others, we can see their beauty.

Also, here's a survey about these shoes. Who likes 'em?

https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/T6LGFT3

Ready or Not?

I'm in Moab, Utah right now with some of my best friends. They went skydiving and I stayed on the ground.

A couple weeks ago, my friend Michaela brought up the fact that it was going to be her birthday soon and she wanted to do something big. Skydiving. I have never ever ever ever wanted to go skydiving. I hate heights. It did not sound like a good time to me so I said that I'd go along, but I was not jumping out of a plane.

So there we are at Skydive Canyonlands at 10:30 am and all my friends are up in the sky and I start to get major FOMO (fear of missing out, if you didn't know). Why was I being such a chicken? When they finally came down, all of them were so stoked on the rush of it all. I was so jealous.

So I decided that I would do it. Not this year, because it is so cold now, but next spring, I plan to.

I think that it's ok that I didn't go this time. I wasn't ready and I might not have enjoyed it because I hadn't mentally prepared myself. But now that I've seen it happen and I actually have the desire to do it, I think I'm ready.

It's ok to not be ready for stuff, whether it be skydiving or whatever you're thinking of right now but feel too scared to do. But once a part of you actually wants to go do that thing you're scared of, you should work up the courage to do it. I don't actually know 100% what I'm talking about because I just realized today that I actually do want to skydive, but I think it's important to do things that you want to do (ya know, as long as it's moral and good and stuff). And doing things that scare you helps you grow.